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A Year Really? Living in a Cave Ain’t Everything it’s Cracked Up to Be.

November 15, 2011

What the hell have I been doing you might ask? I’ve been asking myself the same question lately…for those three of you that might be wondering, it is not that I have forgotten about you, or been ignoring you, or died in some spectacular fireballing blaze of glory…it’s just that I’ve been in a cave, and it sucks in there. Life got a little overwhelming, frustrating, lacking fulfillment, and I kind of bunkered down waiting for the light to come to me (and damn well knowing better that that’s not how it works).

I’ve been thinking about my cave predicament lately and what I need to do and here’s what I’ve come up with:

I’m making a new intention – to take an active role in my own life and remove the tendency I have to sit back and allow life to happen.

For so long I have sat back and worked with what life has given me; I’ve never really gone after anything in life (save for the time I decided to live in Egypt). I always thought I was going with the flow, riding the wave, moving along with life’s currents. What I failed to realize (and have failed to realize) is that life is meant to be lived, that our intentions, actions, and determinations create the world we live in.

I am a man of strong spiritual yearnings, a man that has tried so hard to do what God has wanted, to live a life submitted to that Divine Will. Unfortunately, I have not done my part to allow God’s will to flow. I have sat back and waited for inspiration, for a silver spoon, for “It” (whatever it is) to happen, so that I could move forward. But that’s not how it works, and I am beginning to realize that (and if my wife reads this…thank you for your patience, I know you have told this to me before, but as history shows, sometimes it takes awhile for the truth to dawn on me).

What it comes down to is taking responsibility for life, our life. To pick up the proverbial cross and walk with it. Not to sit back and wait for life to fulfill us, but to fulfill life within us by taking an active role, going after it, and intentionally living.

Maybe it’s because I’m inherently lazy, maybe it’s because I get paralyzed in the fear of “what ifs,” maybe its because I would rather focus on giving to others in order to hide some inadequacies that I feel about myself. I think it truly has more to do with the fear than anything.

As I make this intention to take an active role in my own life and live deliberately and intentionally, I see the fear I have lived with and the stress it has put on not only me but my loving and patient wife.

I’m not going to stand on a mountain and scream “No more!” as I know this is a process, but I will make that intention to say “No more fear, sitting back, waiting, etc., etc.” And when that old pattern rears it’s head, I will intentionally and actively face it so that I can stand on the mountain and realize that it is no more.

Here’s to living an active, intentional, and fulfilling life, dedicated to God, and loving my wife and the world.

“Light up, light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, I’ll be right beside you dear…” ~ Snow Patrol

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will kill you.” ~ Saying 70, The Gospel of Thomas

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